Why I Like Barack

            The most fascinating of all elections is upon us, and I’m fascinated.

            For the first time, I see  a real choice in the nominees. Instead of the old hard-eyed decision between two bowls of cold oatmeal, it’s shaping up to be a bigger menu: possum and muskrat. Some delicious options here.

            But really, what is it I, a conservative, like about Sen. Obama? There are a number of things.

            For one, he’s a true liberal. He won the nomination by playing left, and now he intends to win the election by moving to the middle, as the Clintonian triangulation process mandates. Truly, Obama’s the real thing, the most liberal Senator in the Senate, never crossing lines to work with partisans, political as all get-out, and now proving he really is slicker than Slick Willie himself. Of course, he still says he can unite the country, and he probably can because most of us are fools anyway. Fool me once, I’m an idiot. Fool me twice, I’m still an idiot. Fool me three, four times, just shoot me, I’m definitely not worth leaving alive. 

            Look at it this way: for the first time in years we’ll really see liberalism at work. Liberals will be able to strut their stuff like never before. They’ll have carte blanche to do everything they’ve always wanted to. They’ll be able to remake America in their image. Then we can decide once and for all whether this stuff really works, or if it’s as crackpot as a lot of the crackpots on the other side say. Should be good medicine for the soul, know what I mean?

            A second reason I like Sen. Obama is because sooner or later he’ll disclose what kinds of changes he really wants and how he will implement them. This will happen either after he’s elected, which is the usual way, or perhaps before if the press realizes he intends to take away freedom of the press for good. At first he’ll just go after those nutty conservative talk shows, but sooner or later he’ll get around to snuffing anyone who disagrees with him. The guy just has no sense of humor about anything, especially people who contradict him. Gotta like that. It’ll definitely unite the country because we won’t be able to think anything but what Barack wants, likes, and decides. After all, his wife told us he won’t let us get away with any of that easy-going, grilling-in-the-backyard stuff anymore? We’ll all be in lines – for gas, for health-care, for a bowl of soup. That makes me dream of the good old days, know what I mean?

            A third reason I like the Senator is because he just makes people feel so good. He’s the Dr. Feelgood and his Travelin’ Show. And miracle of miracles, he’s here. Sen. McCain is such a curmudgeonly, stick-in-the-mud, overly-principled drill sergeant-old crapper that he just comes out an says what he thinks.

            But Barack? Hey, you want to feel good, cry a few tears, laugh uproariously at conservatives, and walk away with a contact high, grab a seat. He’s more than a motivational speaker. He’s a mountain-moving, marvel-tongued, Messianic-Gonna-Be-The-New-Savior kind of guy. We haven’t seen his likes since Moses. And the way his wife talks, he’s going to lay down the law, just like Moses did, too. Yessirree, Michelle’ll be proud of our country for the second time in her life if Barack gets in there and starts hurling laws around.

            So that’s what I like about the man. He flips switches. In fact, if he doesn’t flip yours, you probably ain’t got switches.

            Anyway, if nothing else about Obama gets us through the next decade, that smile of his will. Look it direct in the face, you won’t be able to see for another eight years.  

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